Archive | January, 2012

We Need To Talk About Kevin

31 Jan

Dear Maroon,

I loooove that dress!! I think it will look amazing on you! I understand how harrowing the wedding dress experience can be (not really, but I can imagine), especially when you are with people projecting all of their wedding desires onto you, but you should go with the pink and happy, shiny. Holy crap, you’ll rock the shit out of whatever dress you wear, just make sure it’s one that you want to wear while an animated bird poses on your shoulder or quite frankly, you just want to wear and feel amazingly beautiful (or that would win in a drag queen competition). I really, really like that pink dress for you. It will rock the hell out of that pagoda…for some reason my mind just made up bird costumes for cats to wear and I would love to have a ‘draggle’ or ‘herd’ or ‘murder’ of cats to be in the background of something dressed as birds of paradise. Not at your wedding, but perhaps in the procession when you leave to your honeymoon….I’ll work on that.

Today is the first day I’ve had off since my last post and Brian has to work every day until we leave for vacation, which leaves me to plan and get everything together. I went down to the World Trade Center to exchange some currency, only to learn that apparently I need to order Argentinian pesos and they do not exchange Uruguayan pesos. Have to go back next Tuesday. I had sushi at Toshi in Little Tokyo downtown after and they had the freshest toro and hamachi. Like, just cut off the fish fresh, which was nice. We then went to Woori market, which is my go-to store other than Trader Joe’s and Albertson’s since they usually have cheaper produce and today they had live Dungeness crabs for $5.99 per pound. I bought one crab and am waiting for the cat to take interest in it.  I just put both in the bathtub together.

Brian’s brother bought a cat last year. He paid about $1000 for a Maine Coon from some people that deal in Main Coones. Initially he was going to name it “Kevin”, which is a great name for an expensive cat. Eventually they went with ‘Gus’ as in Augustus which is part of that cat’s heritage, blah blah. The picture above is of Kevin at about 20 lbs. They suspect he’ll  grow to be about 28-30 lbs, which makes me happy for obvious reasons. I held that cat and it is really soft and massive…it is also fairly docile which leads me to believe it will be really easy to steal and turn into a pillow. Thought I’d leave you with that for now. I also love and miss you.



Wedding Dress Decisions

24 Jan

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Dear Yolo,

I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I suppose it could be my new diet, in which the dominant food group is After Eight mints.

I wish Archie could meet Bear. It would be so awesome, just like when they do crossover episodes of the Law & Order spinoffs. I am impressed that Archie likes bread and food so much and plays with his gator. Bear is a bit more simple. Though he once stole these individually packaged Japanese crackers from the kitchen and put them all into a basket in the living room, but in general he is mostly interested in vessels containing water or other liquids and paper balls made from Netflix envelopes. We have tried making paper balls with other kinds of paper, but Bear only plays fetch with Netflix balls. And hair things. Sometimes he drops one of these items on my face in the middle of the night because he wants to play. He also likes to chew on feet, and likes attacking the TV when the xbox is on.

I’m not sure what else I can do to the wedding website without making it look like a cry for help, but if you know anyone who wants me to make them a wedding website let me know because I found it oddly therapeutic and satisfying and lord knows I have time on my hands at the moment.

When I was back in Seattle for Christmas break, I went and tried on wedding dresses with my mom, my future mother and law and my brother’s fiance, Christine. Actually, Christine made the appointment for me because she got her dress with her mom the day before. I thought it would be an interesting and pleasant bonding experience because neither of the moms wore a real wedding dress when they were married. (They eloped or had a hippie wedding-type thing.) Up to that point, I hadn’t tried on a single dress unless you count bridal shows I’ve done for work.

I felt really weird about trying on dresses. I hadn’t really mentally prepared for it, I hate trying on clothes and at that point we hadn’t even picked a date, so it was hard to take seriously. I didn’t expect my mom to be as excited as she was. She was so excited she managed to become nervous somehow and then talked about the dresses for two weeks afterward. I ended up really liking two dresses that were a part of their sample sale. One was a very simple and elegant white silk Vera Wang sheath but it was a little too conservative. I think it would be lovely for like, a second or third marriage. I tried on a bunch of Monique Lhuillier dresses but I’m just not that into lace. The one I really ended up liking is a Jenny Lee blush silk satin.  Yes, it’s pink and shiny. I’m getting married in a goddamn pagoda! I do what I want! I guess I am more asian than I thought.  Above are some pics of where I’m going with this. And I feel compelled to add that the dress looks way better on than on that mannequin.


Bread Thievery and Cat vs. Gator

23 Jan

Dear Maroon,

Bear the cat and Archie should really meet. I suspect that either some amazing things would happen or everything would be destroyed. Either way it would be pretty funny. I like that your cat keeps bringing the boob inserts to people…maybe he wants Roscoe to wear them. Archie does not fetch things but he does like to steal them and take them to his lair (aka the bathroom). This began when he was a kitten and he got into the shower and brought out one of those lava rock pumice stone things. After that, he graduated to bread of any kind. He somehow dragged an entire loaf of sourdough out of the kitchen once and in general likes to tear open bags so that he can destroy the delicious offerings within. Sometimes the results are hilarious as seen above. He also pukes up hairballs on occasion and despite the fact that our entire apartment has hardwood floors or tile (or tacky linoleum in the kitchen), he manages to always puke on one of the bathroom rugs making the cleanup far more difficult. At least it’s not a coat though, that really sucks. I brought him back a plastic alligator from New Orleans and he does battle with every few days. Cat versus gator is one of my favorite things to watch because he cocks his head really spastically and leaps about before attacking the gator.

Jim was really tame and and didn’t even drink. His girlfriend looked to be about the same age as his daughter. I think she’s eastern European. Nobody got crazy which is a shame, because that’s the only amusement I ever get at work. Once we had to call an ambulance because this crazy lady thought her husband was having a heart attack. It later turned out that he was just thirsty (or dehydrated, whatever). Another time I called the cops because this tiny drunk asian girl got into a fight with her boyfriend and starting hitting him and then refused to leave the restaurant with him. She actually refused to leave even after he left so I called them to make her go away. That’s about as crazy as it gets, but I guess I shouldn’t complain too much because I really don’t like people bothering me at work. Or talking to me at all.

We head down to South America in three weeks so that’s something to look forward to even though I have a million stupid things to take care of before then. We’re flying into Montevideo, Uruguay and staying there the first night ad then taking the buquebus (ferry) across to Buenos Aires the next day. We then fly to Bariloche the following day to spend a few days on a lake in Patagonia. After that we head back to Buenos Aires for another few days and then back to Montevideo for the last night. I’m not exactly sure why I choose to do so much traveling, but it should be fun. One of my resolutions this year is to take more pictures, so hopefully I will have some interesting ones. Initially we were planning to go to Greece and Turkey this summer, but Brian’s work schedule can’t work around that, so we opted for the southern hemisphere. He was supposed to have next month off before helping to open a new restaurant, but that got pushed back. Thankfully we had already made travel plans, so we’re going regardless.

I want to see your wedding website. And dress when you find one. And everything else related to it. I’m so excited! Okay, I’m off to work again to answer a ton of emails and hopefully eat some banh mi, which Brian said he was making.



Boobs & Gorillas

22 Jan

Dear Yolo,

Questions: Do you think Jim liked his party? Is he weird and new age-y? Does he do a lot of unsolicited impressions and characters? Is he in control of himself or does he insist on sifting cocaine onto his dutch baby, drinking orange juice with his finger and snapping his rainbow suspenders when pleased? He’s not going to play a doctor anytime soon is he? So many questions. That’s weird Martin Landau was there. I think he was maybe the first celebrity I met in LA. I still have no idea how I recognized him when I was 17, but I did, and I’m still not sure who he is right now and a significant amount of time has passed.

Your trip to the zoo sounds so fun and lively! You are so lucky. Whenever I’ve gone to the zoo, the animals are always sleeping or hiding. At least I thought I was at a zoo when that happened. My first partner from my acting class told me a funny story about going to the zoo as a child with his dad. They were watching the gorillas and apparently there was some weird tubing that allowed you to call to the gorillas. Maybe it was for drive thru banking– I’m not sure. Anyway, his father started calling to the gorilla and apparently the gorilla got really exciting and came over and started dancing around or something. So a small crowd gathered and his father kept making the noises and the gorilla kept getting excited. And then the gorilla ejaculated in front of all these children… maybe on the glass. It was gross and embarrassing and funny and difficult to discuss with his father.

I have been experiencing cat shenanigans that fall somewhere in the spectrum of funny to gross and kind of humiliating.

1) Bonkers the cat throws hairballs occasionally. He’s a fluffy long-haired cat so it’s gonna happen. Usually, I find evidence in the bathroom, or in the hallway. Lately, he has started puking in interesting and surprising places.

I am at a casting for some liposuction procedure or something. I take off my big puffy winter coat– the kind with a big Eskimo-like fur trimmed hood. I take my coat and fold it into my lap while I wait. Looking into the coat on my lap,  I realize that at some point yesterday or perhaps the day before when I left my coat on the bench in our entryway rather than hanging it in the coat closet, Bonkers the cat took the opportunity to throw up in the hood of my coat. His cat puke has now dried to a long, thin, grainy, hairy, cat-food-ocher strip that stretches from the coat’s inner sweater collar to the inside of the hood (which I thankfully never attempted to use.) I quickly fold the coat again, ashamed, hoping no one else there has noticed, opting to clean in private and wondering if I’ve been amusing fellow New Yorkers with my cat puke hood.

Later, I assess that it was not visible, or smellable since an unexpected rain on my jacket made the fur trim smell… like racoons.

2) A couple days later I have an audition for a popular men’s drugstore line. The email from my agent suggests that I sport serious cleavage, but “keep it classy”. I’m running late, so I rummage through my lingerie drawer throwing stuff everywhere and end up wearing this Victoria Secret add a cup bra which I keep for these sorts of occasions because it makes me look like a porn star.

After the audition, I find a text from Roscoe complaining that my cat keeps bringing him “my boobs”. The picture above is what was texted to me as evidence. I had left out my cutlet stickey bra– you know the thing that you wear with backless shirts or dresses when you still need a bra. Bear the cat has been bringing Roscoe them while he’s working at the computer in his home office. Roscoe puts them back in the bedroom but Bear keeps bringing them back.   Bear does like to play fetch but perhaps he just thought it was a good present for a guy. I guess we’ll never know until cats start talking. I’m pretty sure I read that’s part of the Rapture.

Waiting for Guttenberg

21 Jan

 Dear Maroon,

After several unsuccessful attempts to figure out how to post on this, I decided to apply some ancient Mayan wisdom and read the instructions under the ‘help’ section.  I also sacrificed one of our neighbor’s cats to the gods. I have a feeling this year will be pretty awesome, but I have yet to spend any time focusing on my goals as work has not slowed down since the holidays. It has become mildly entertaining in the last week though. I had to help throw together a last minute 50th birthday party for Jim Carrey last week and then there was another birthday dinner for the guitarist of the Strokes. The rockers were more entertaining. Jim’s party had some randoms that amused me (Steven Tyler, Pam Anderson and Martin Landau), but until Steve Guttenberg shows up I will remain unimpressed. I wish there had been some elicit or hilarious event that occurred, but everyone was boringly well-behaved, which is why I think everyone should invite a Courtney Love or Paz de la Huerta to their birthday party.
Since my social life pretty much consists of reading or watching TV lately, I decided to liven things up by going to the zoo last week (i know, pretty fucking ballsy behavior). The above picture is my favorite as I always wondered what sleeping would be like with massive horns on one’s head. I have pictures of the rest, but I like this Ibix in particular. I have named him Copernicus.  Highlights of the zoo included a baby monkey that could fit in your hand with a face like a troll that kept sticking its tongue out at us, a bat-eared fox that screamed at Brian, and the baby tiger that crawled up a tree and fell on its ass. Also, there was some stoner in a hoodie that was chatting up anyone who would listen about the life of the musk ox.

I recently received a bill from the City of Beverly Hills. I can only imagine it is regarding the car accident, but it is for $515. The only medical attention I received was someone handing me an ice-pak, which was not reusable. That thing could not have cost more than $3. I am sending the City of Beverly Hills 300 pennies in exchange. I hope they’re fucking happy.

Resolutions & Preparations

11 Jan

Dear Yolo,

It is 2012, the year the world is supposed to end according to the Aztecs. I am trying to come up with some goals for the year so that I don’t spend my last year on earth sitting on my ass wondering if the Rapture will make the lines at Duane Reade any shorter.

Maroon’s Goals for 2012
1) Be able to do at least one pull-up. Linda Hamilton. Duh.
2) Get married. The good news is that I’m already engaged. Turns out the hard part is actually coordinating a wedding.
3) Gain representation for film/tv.
4) Perform in a play.

I hate writing this shit down. the idea of accountability is paralyzing. However, I am already making headway on some of these goals. I am sore from my attempts at goal #1 and am flailing through the beginnings of goal #2.  During Christmas break I tried on dresses with my mom, future mother-in-law and future sister-in-law. I’m glad I did it because it was a new and interesting experience for both mothers who both sorta eloped but it was tough for me because I felt the way Bear the Cat appears to feel when I make him wear clothes. One dress in particular I realized I really loved about 2 weeks later and then called the store only to find it had been snapped up in the prior day’s sample sale. It was a light pink Jenny Lee dress, something you can definitely wear in Hawaii.

I have also been amusing myself with designing my own invitations which are using the mirror image effect Stella McCartney has employed in her Hawaiian resort collection which I will share with you when they get closer to being done. I am trying to convince my Dad to buy a letterpress so we can start a business together. So far, I have convinced him to buy and read a book about letterpress. I am counting even small victories.

I worked on goal #3 yesterday, at one of those seminars where you pay $30 or $40 for a facilitated introduction. I’m after this one particular lady at a B level bi-coastal agency. She is mean, and it’s pretty apparent that she hates actors. I don’t know if I want her to represent me or if I want to punch her in the face.

What prompted the Argentina trip? More details, please.

Ok, I have to get ready for my one casting of the day and an appointment with my Russian psychiatrist. Nastrovia!


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