Questioning My Commitment to Toasting -or- “It’s Always the Blue Wire”

28 Feb

Dear Yolo,

After years of smooshing my face up longingly on the glass in the frozen food section where they keep the breakfast waffles, I finally broke down and  purchased a toaster from Overstock.com last month. My criteria for toaster selection was something like “cheap and doesn’t look totally stupid”.  Oh Black & Decker!!! You know exactly what girls want! As most of us know, there are some really embarrassing looking toasters out there that fill all those see them full to bursting with contempt and disgust.

I have just used the aforementioned toaster to heat an organic, gluten-free waffle which I am dipping in whipped cream (like a boss) from yesterday night’s dessert. So I put the toaster waffle in for a second session  to keep it warm while I hunt for waffle fixin’s. As any warm-blooded child of the 80s must know, a full second sesh is way too long to toast a toaster waffle. I expected to simply reverse on the toaster lever, a classic maneuver which often gives dramatically shoots your breakfast into the air. Perhaps saying “dramatically” is an exaggeration. It’s more like the mad hops of a fat kid at basketball camp but I’m all about making breakfast exciting.

Anyway, there I am trying to liberate my waffle from a certain fire-y fate and the lever won’t reverse.  It is completely locked. There is a moment of panic as I repeatedly yank on the lever to no avail. My emotional life is that of the bus driver at the beginning of Speed. For a moment, I consider turning the toaster upside down, but I immediately dismiss that idea as it violates some basic sense of decency. Then, my razor-sharp powers of observation are drawn to 4 blue-lit buttons. The first one is “CANCEL” followed by “BAGEL”, “FROZEN” and “REHEAT”. The scene where Keanu, as Officer Jack Traven in a heated moment decides which wire to cut is brought to mind.

I consider “BAGEL” for a moment, because I’d like to think it will turn whatever is in the toaster into a bagel. But I am visited by a moment of clarity like the eye of a storm, and I push “CANCEL”. Imagine my relief when the waffle is released into my eager, trembling hands. I exhale and wish I had  a cigarette to light up and/or co-pilot I could turn to and say, “That was a close one.”

My long winded point is this: my toaster takes itself too seriously. Has the toasting process become formalized to the point that my toaster questions my decision making abilities by foisting a “CANCEL” button on me, which imploying how uncertain I am about my commitment to toasting? Do you see where this is going? Didn’t the people at Black and Decker see Terminator? Blade Runner? I, Robot?

A day of reckoning is coming my friend. We best prepare ourselves. That is all for now.
Love,

Maroon

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One Response to “Questioning My Commitment to Toasting -or- “It’s Always the Blue Wire””

  1. dearyolo March 21, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    Aha ha ha ha! That was awesome. I really like that toaster’s thinking and yours. We should totally do a line of kitchen appliances that have buttons like “abort” or “destroy”. I kind of want to get a label maker now and make labels to put above all of the switches. “Destroy” would be appropriate for the garbage disposal. “Reincarnate” might be appropriate for the blender. Or “mutilate” for the blend setting on it. Good stuff.

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